Author: laraalexx

It’s been over a year 

Posted on by laraalexx

One year earlier… 

“Hello my name is Alexia and I returned home early from an LDS mission. Things seem dark and hopeless. I don’t see myself going anywhere else in life.” 

Now…

“Hi I’m Lexi and I returned home early from an LDS mission. I’m on a roller coaster that can only go up. Happiness is achieved when it becomes a desire.” 

This post is for the people on The Early Returned Missionary Initiative page on Facebook. Especially for those that are in the early stages of recovery. 

There’s really only one thing I can say. There’s only one thing you need to understand and accept. A principle that was my saving grace. 

I T ‘ S  G O N N A  T A K E  T I M E 

Based on myself and others I have come to know and observe I know this… Time is what heals. The thing is… How much time? There’s no set time. As we are are each different so is the time it will take to heal. I recovered ( as in was able to move forward) in ten months. I’ve never been pregnant but those were the longest ten months of my life but crucial. 

For you, it might not be ten months. I’ve seen people recover in 6 or 13 even 18 months. It doesn’t matter. What matters is what you do with that time.

I’m gonna be honest, I jerked around when I got home. I was in a whirlpool that said that I’ll never be free. I spent months thinking my life was over. Because for a moment… It was. As a more stubborn girl my number was ten. But it was the time I NEEDED. 

You must be patient with yourself. There where come a time where you arise in the morning with a smile. There will become a time where people will look at you and tell you “You seem really happy. I’m glad.” There will be a time where you look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you love what you see. That God loves you and cherished you. 

How would I know? 

Because it happened to me. And tons before and after me. 

I trust God and I know that he needed me to come home for his reason. I healed in his time. 

What do you do now? 

Well, I live. I spend my life trying to build my life in the way that God intended for me. I’ll be honest, there are hard days but things do get better. 

Understand that in God’s time you will be healed. 

Trust. Love. Live. 

T A K E  H E A R T . 

Why not Craig Ferguson?

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So, Once upon a time as it goes I’m sitting on the couch and there is this man slammed close to the TV with some ridiculous looking horse and some wackedout crazy robot skeleton-thing. The first thing I think is “What the h*** is this?”
I knew he was Scottish right away. My whole life I have been fascinated with Scotland and how awesome is that I just happen to come across not only a comedian, but a Scottish comedian. That is just icing on the cake. I have never seen anyone rip their note cards when they talk to their ‘late night’ guests or look away from the screen to talk to his sidekick or even toss away emails he is “supposed” to read. Not to mention the wise cracks he makes at his producer, Michael. As a beginner fan of Craig Ferguson I looked up what I could on YouTube from his show. After watching about 1000 videos , I later, fell in love with this comedian/actor/author. I was beyond fascinated. 
His comedy is by fact, an acquired taste; in my opinion. I love how his comedy tastes; I try to taste it everyday. For a long time, I won’t get it any of his jokes or won’t like them at all, mostly, because he cusses. A LOT. A little too much some would say. I got over that bridge quickly. He does what his does due to passion and talent, possibly, most importantly, drive.
Why am I “obsessed” with him now?
I’ll tell ya.
I haven’t read his book entirely, yet, but from what I have read about his past really shocked me. I mean look at this man right now, very successful, happily married, and very very funny. Humor like that doesn’t come from a damaged person. In fact, humor like that is a dime in a dozen. But get this, this man, about two years before I was even born, about 20 some years ago, was a drug addict, alcoholic and struggled with depression, greatly, almost to the point of taking his own life.
Woah. Yeah. I know. I had to sit down for the chapter he writes in his book (American On Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot) of that morning where he seemed to be so certain to take his own life. As I slowly read each word describing his thought process, I kept shaking my head; not of digust or shame but of understanding. I nodded and was very still, almost hearing his voice as I read more of the words. I stopped at the end of the chapter and with tears in my eyes I said to myself, “I know. I KNOW.”
So obviously, he was healed. He took a very brave step and got help. After two months of rehab, here we are almost 23 years later and for these 23 years he has been sober.
Hear me when I say this, I am not a drug addict or alcoholic, but, but I do know what it is like to have depression. I am not talking about bad days or a loss, I am talking about a burden that no matter what good or bad thing that happens, it lingers and creeps up on you and slowly pulls you away from living your life.
So now here I am, almost 6 months since I last spoke to my therapist and almost 8 months since I hit , what seemed like for me, ‘rock bottom’. As I read more about Craig from his book, I became so overwhelmed. Tears spilling from my eyes and emotions pounding on my heart I thought, “Now there’s a man I can understand. This is a changed man.” Most importantly, it is possible. Change. 
His story is powerful.
That is a man I could respect.
I don’t like to say that I have heroes because it makes me feel like I idolize people but Craig Ferguson, I guess for a lack of a better word, is my hero. I look up to him because his story gives me hope about myself. I have such a hope about my life that I CAN DO things. That it IS possible. That, this, this, isn’t the end of the road for me. It was so fortunate for me to have found out about the person that is Craig Ferguson when I did.  In no way am I saying that I would follow him to the ends of the Earth. I personally, do not know him. There is a 99% chance that our paths will never cross. Even if I had the chance and was able to speak to him, I wouldn’t know what to say because there are no words can fit how I feel. What am I supposed to say? What? ‘Thank you’? No. That is not nearly good enough. Not powerful enough. Not even close.
That man is brave. I swear to every high power that from that moment he called his friend (that gave him connections to the rehab center) to the moment he wrote down his experience, he has been so brave. To come out and be so honest about his past to the world (especially this world) in such detail is beyond me. That is something I could possibly never do. I admire that. I applauded it. Standing ovation. If I could describe him in one word, he would be exactly that. Brave.  
He’s not perfect. And neither am I. 
Far from it.
But aren’t we all?
I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was. ∼ Sade Andria Zabala 

Take Heart

Posted on by laraalexx

My Dear Friends. 

I speak as a collection of voices instead of one, when I say that, whatever your affliction, addiction or ailment the first thing you must completely and solely understand is that you are not alone. We’ve all been there. So, naturally, it’s okay. 

One of the most fundamental keys to finding yourself is acceptance. The good, the bad or the ugly. You have to accept the purity AND the corrupt. Hey, we all have our demons. They are going to be there, especially when you least expect it. For those of you that have read the book the Fault In Our Stars by John Green, you will understand when I say that we are the ones that give power to our calamities. Now, for those who have not read this book, don’t worry, I’ll tell ya. Augustus Waters (one of the protagonists) upon first meeting the main character (Hazel Grace) sticks a cigarette in his mouth. Hazel, seeing this and also knowing that he just spent a year struggling with cancer, gets after him in disgust. Augustus then states this metaphor: “They don’t kill you unless you light them… It’s a metaphor see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth but you don’t give it the power to do it’s killing.” 

The Ailments and Afflictions

Whatever ails you, accept it! Stick it between your teeth but do not give it the power to harm you. Once you know you have a problem, do your research. Accept that it is real and it will be easier to catch it when it comes. For example, I struggle with anxiety and depression. Honestly, for maybe 3-5 years I have struggled with it. But for most of that time I was completely unaware that something like that exists and also that I had it. Once I was told that this was an issue, I tried to bury it because it came up at a really bad time. After so many horrible hours that depression presents, I finally have stuck it between my teeth. I know now that it is real and that it is one of my ailments. It has been so much easier to deal with day to day life because I can now catch it when it comes. I finally found a switch. With enough mental exercises I can turn it off. I have accepted that this is going to be a struggle I’ll have for the rest of my life. Do I like it? NO. Do I wish that it can go away? All the time.

Addictions

Everybody has something. Everyone has an addiction. As small as biting our nails to as big as harmful substances. Each of us has a tick we practice to deal with stress or problems. One thing I will say now, You can STOP. It is possible to stop.

Having an addiction is like having a itch that you constantly scratch. The more you scratch, the more it itches, the more it itches, the more you scratch. It’s a vicious cycle. It hurts. You think you need to do it. To feel better or to let go. A way to cope or have fun. It’s a dark reality. We tend to think “Just this one time” and we do it. Then, it bugs you so you try to push it away but it comes back harder and harder as time goes on. You finally give in and boom. You are endless wrapped; seemly trapped. Swallowed in the pain. You’re scared to seek help seeing that the world may judge you. You feel so alone. But you aren’t. SO many people deal with so many things. It’s so fair that we sometimes suffer the same things as our peers. It’s wonderful.

There will always be someone that is one step ahead of you and someone one step ahead of them. They know what it takes to get out. They know the directions. Seek them out. They won’t judge you. YOU CAN STOP. “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” The best time to stop an addiction probably was never to start, but the next best time is right now.

Bold truth, you might relapse. You might have to restart and that’s okay. Be kind to yourself. Like riding a bike, you are going to fall a couple of times before you get the hang of it. But know that it is possible. Do yourself a favor and look up recover stories. As scary as it is, seeking help, is the best thing. Be honest with yourself. Acceptance. Is. Key. Lastly,

T A K E  H E A R T ! ! !

One fine day, on the horizon of a new life, it will all end. It will stop, for now though, we must continue to endure.

A C C E P T . H E A L . M O V E  F O R W A R D . 

“If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.” – Jeffery R. Holland